Patnja

Patnja.

Pomisliš na nešto kada čuješ ovu reč?

Ne na jednu stvar, nego na više njih.

Više stvari, jedan razarajući osećaj.

Taj osećaj ima mnogo prijatelja.

Tup bol. Tuga. Bes. Usamljenost. Odustajanje. Apatija. Predaja. Svi idu uvek uz nju, i prate je u stopu.

A ti u tim trenucima nemaš ni jednog.

U patnji smo svi isti-svi smo sami.

Osećaj da goriš. a istovremeno drhtiš. Lebdiš. Nisi deo ovog sveta. Nisi deo nikoga i niko nije deo tebe. Potpuno si sam, ogoljen pred sobom samim, samo vene kroz koje teče uznemirena krv osećaš kao nikada pre. Osećaš svaki otkucaj srca i želiš da prestane. Suza nema, a  preklinješ ih da ti makar one prave društvo. Misliš da čak ni Boga više nema. I on te je napustio. Proklinješ ga, kuneš...moliš. Ruke ti se znoje, a tako su prokleto hladne. Svuda je mrak. Tražiš dodir u pomračenom umu. Tražiš izlaz iz tog mračnog okeana, koji ti pritiska pluća i ti se gušiš....pritisak ti ne dozvoljava da udahneš....svetla nema ni u jednom pravcu. Ne potoji izlaz. Pitaš se kako suze plutaju u gorkoj vodi ovog okeana patnje. Hvata te panika, a pritisak i bol su sve jači. Pucaš od pritiska. Osećaš kako se svaka ćelija razara na deliće. Želiš da te nema i da više nikada ne moraš da osetiš ovaj isti osećaj. Postaje ti muka. Ne želiš da jedeš, ne želiš da dišeš, ne želiš da postojiš.

Posustaješ....sad jedino osećaš umor. Želiš samo da spavaš....i da se nikad više ne probudiš.

Toneš u san.

Nastupa sledeći dan. Otvaraš oči. Ne osećaš više ništa osim potpune otupelosti. Prestaješ da postojiš. Duše više nema. Ili ti se makar tako čini. Praznina zauzima njeno mesto. I to je sve što ćeš osećati živeći u okeanu gorke patnje.

To je patnja dragi moj.  Najdublje osećanje na svetu.

Ne postoji čovek u ovomzemaljskom životu koji nije dotakao taj osećaj makar jednom tokom svog postojanja. Ako poznaješ patnju poznaješ čoveka. Ako si osetio patnju, razumeš život.

Svi smo isti-svi patimo.

Iako smo zauvek sami, patnja ljude spaja. 

Would you?

Some feelings are indescribable. And then I go and try to put them into words, but the words are just not coming into my head and onto the paper. I feel like I want to tell you everything, but there is actually nothing to be said. Only to be felt. We are used to describing the feelings that we can feel with our senses, but how to explain something that you feel only with your soul?

People do not talk much about what they feel deep inside themselves, therefore not many words can describe it, they are not invented yet. There are some basic, like-I love you, I hate you, I despise you, I adore you, I feel you...but that is it. And what if what you feel has nothing to do with love and hate, but is much much deeper and more complicated than that? Well, I am limited with words here, but I will do my best to do justice to what I feel for you with simple human words.

If I tell you that I don't love you, but I feel you, would you understand? If I tell you that I feel every wish and every pain of your lonely soul, would you understand? If...Would you be able to understand that I feel like drops of water inside the ground that are feeding the roots of the tree, you, and flowing all the way through it to the leaves? You know how you feel so small and alone when you look at the night sky and see millions of stars shining together, so far away from you? If we stood there together watching the sky, I feel like we wouldn't feel alone anymore. I would feel safe.

I know nothing about you, just nothing...but I FEEL so much about you. I felt every time you were afraid to let me in, I felt every time you were angry, every time you were confused, and I feel every time you feel alone. I feel every time you need a hug, but you don't want one, cause you think you don't need it. I felt every time you felt safe with me, and I felt every time you were happy. I feel the accumulated anger and confusion, as well as that huge cry for help and guidance that you are maybe not even aware of.  I feel that insecurity inside of you, and I know that because of it, your pace in life is slow and even postponed sometimes. I also feel the insecurity you felt about me showing up in your life. But I also feel that now you understand why I am here, and you are slowly opening your soul and your mind for me to see. 

I also feel that you are amazing. I admire you. I feel that you are strong like a mountain and patient like a river...firm as a tree, and soft like a grass...beautiful on the inside, as well as on the outside, with that flickering glow you are radiating all around you. It is not for blind people, but only for those whose souls have opened their inner eyes... you are so gentle and warm like the soft beachy breeze but also furious like a stormy wind. You have a passion for life, but despise stupid things in life. You are smart, persistent if you believe in something, a very kind and loving creature. It is easy to love you, but you are not easy being loved. If you know what I mean, and I believe that you do. You are born to search...for home, for answers, for love, for understanding, kindness, and peace of mind. It ain't easy.

Though, I still do not know why I think about you all the time, why do I need to check how you are every day, even for few times, why do I have the need to protect you, teach you, care about you and give you everything that my life has given me. You are not a child, and yet, we both sometimes feel like one. You don't even know how much we have in common, even though our lives are completely different.

And I want to do everything with you...tonight I was thinking about it...Why do I want to go with you for a long, silent, night drive, take you to my sacred places, watch my favorite movies with you, tell you about me... And I realized...it's not about the actions, its about feelings... I feel safe and happy doing all of those things, and that is what I want to give you. I want you to feel what I felt in those moments... I want you to feel relaxed while being in a car with me, not thinking about anything, some nice music playing from the speakers, wind in our hair coming in from open windows, and night colors... with no one else on the road and in the city, just us and the moment. I want you to feel absolute peace while watching the sunrise with me in my secret place while looking at faraway city lights. I want you to feel happy while watching my favorite movies, that brought happiness to me.
 I want you to not feel alone while you are with me.

There is really nothing in it for me, and there are no intentions whatsoever, except for those that I just told you...I want to show you all the good feelings this life can give. All of that will bring me happiness, and re-living all those feelings again, but this time not alone.

If I tell you that I only want to give to you, would you understand?

If I tell you that I will keep you happy and safe, would you trust me?

If I tell you that I feel you, would you let me in?

Would you?